Thursday, 26 March 2015

5 people you won't believe were responsible for India's defeat maybe because they're not!

Our nation is flooded with ingrates cribbing and whining about something or the other all the time. So while the real issues and problems either escape public attention or become victims of the chauvinists and jingoists who assign absurd reasons like 'Chow mien' being responsible for a surge in incidents of abuse and molestation. We on the other hand have a brigade of analysts who always like to contempt and censure someone who failed, at the drop of the hat, without knowing they've been failing throughout their lives themselves. So while the white clad but not so white experts on news get their turn for blaming the most preposterous of things for a problem maybe they're responsible for solving, I thought why not give their game a try! 

1. Kamal R Khan 



Why? Well because if there is a man who is so idiosyncratic, imbecile and pugnacious that you'd sermonize pagan gods to bring the apocalypse, it's this guy. So just like Indian traditions deem it auspicious for any ritual to commence with prayers to Lord Ganesha, everything stupid should actually commence with a mention of this cretinous lunatic! 

2. Ramdev 



Some very reliable sources say that our team secretly adulates Ramdev for his agility, his Yoga prowess, his stellar hairstyle, his impeccable sex appeal, and even his oratory finesse. But just a couple of days ago Baba committed a big mistake by getting into money making by rolling out Patanjali's entire FMCG umbrella and misled Indian players into thinking that money is everything and hence Ads and IPL matter more than anything. Alas! The same principles of Baba which helped the players get so good, made them get lured by the moolah and they lost. 

3. This girl from MRF ad


I guess memes from all over the Internet explain why Virat, who took up this ad because of the aforementioned reason perhaps, couldn't really get out of the screenplay and decided to do what was asked of him. Apparently Rohit Sharma too went back quickly because his Maggi got burnt on the simmer. 

4. Alexander Graham Bell


Surprised? Well this scientist invented the phone which was in a way the predecessor of the modern age smartphone which this girl in the ad above used to call up Kohli and asked him to be back in 5 minutes. So you see I'm getting into the "God level reasoning" mode already. I'm gonna give those wannabe experts on news channels a run for their money. 

5. RSS


So this sounds a little too waspish, doesn't this? Roping someone in when they're not even remotely connected to the case in point. Well, you can't fool me now. Never before has any discussion of similar character got over without someone pointing fingers at RSS so why not me. Maybe just like the discussion and arguments should commence with a mention of KRK, they're always supposed to end with RSS being held culpable. It always works that way!


I wrote this little pastiche of a post to vent out my frustration. I too am full of despair that we lost but I'm in no way angry. Our team did much better than we all imagined they could in such testing circumstances and they deserve all credit in the world for it. So the next time you decide to side with a blatantly moronic celebrity like RGV who says he's happy India lost, or bring any of the players in the line of fire, spare a thought on how big a dunce you'll look like. And yes, the title of this post was sardonic because it was a crack at all those blogs who are also responsible for perpetrating similar notions all the time. Get over it, everyone! We've got to get ready for the WC T20 now. :)